The England football team’s performance this evening was dire. Rubbish. Awful. But it did get me thinking about how big football stories tend to bring out the best in tabloid sub-editors. When it’s open season on an England manager, the puns start to flow – so look out for a few good ones in the red tops over the next few days.
In the meantime, I’ve dug up some classics that anyone would be proud of. Enjoy – and remember: although all these headlines would score virtually zero for search engine optimisation, they all looked great in 128pt type on the front (or back) page of a tabloid.
FROM RUSSIA WITH GLOVES. In 1994 Chelsea played their first European away game for years. They won 4-2 on aggregate against Viktoria Zizkov (who?). Russian goalkeeper Dmitri Kharine saved a crucial penalty, and one of the British tabloids immortalised him with this, one of my all-time favourite headlines.
- HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE KOREA? Back in October 2006, North Korea decided to conduct a not-at-all-provovative nuclear test. International condemnation followed, but no nation’s response topped The Sun’s. The newspaper’s headline raised the question of which is worse: reality TV, or a nuclear holocaust? Tough call. See the headline>
SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC, CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS. It doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue, but this headline from The Sun proves that the king of British red tops is difficult to beat when it comes to punnage. It’s the classic formula: rip off a song lyric everyone knows, substitute a few words and stick it on the sports pages. Brilliant.
- TWO SH*GS. Accompanying the Daily Star’s coverage of John Prescott’s various indiscretions, it’s simple and to the point. Given the amount of flesh that’s frequently on the front page of this paper, it seems strange that they’ve stuck an asterisk in ’shags’, but then who am I to comment on tabloid standards? Whatever, it’s simple, effective – and very British. See the headline>
- GORD HELP US NOW! Regardless of your opinion on the Daily Diana Express, occasionally its staff come out with a gem. Ok, very occasionally. I liked this one which greeted Gordon Brown’s move into No. 10. It’s great because it makes the paper’s position immediately clear, pokes fun at the new PM’s name, and also sounds like something Alan Partridge would say. See the headline>
- MORON TERROR. The Sun hits the spot again. Almost two years after the 21/7 attempted bombings in London, four people are found guilty of planning the attacks. Choosing to focus on the ineptitude of those involved, the paper sums up their intelligence in two words. Presumably they included the picture so that we didn’t think they were referring to George Bush. See the headline>
CELEBRITY BIG BLUBBER. Yet again, from The Sun. While part of the country was obsessed with the antics of Chantelle in Celebrity Big Brother, the rest of us were intrigued to see a whale swim right up the Thames and into central London. Despite rescuers’ best efforts, the poor animal didn’t survive – it just seems a shame that Celebrity Big Brother hasn’t yet suffered a similar fate.
TOM AND THIERRY. Being an Arsenal fan, I’m completely biased on this one. Thierry Henry and Tomas ‘Tom’ Rosicky scored as Arsenal beat Liverpool at Anfield 3-1 early this year. It’s not one of The Sun’s best efforts, but they get extra points for printing it in a cartoon-style font.
That’s all folks … for now at least. What are your favourite headlines? Hit up the comment link and let me know.
I'm a freelance copywriter. I write mainly for the web.
Back in 2003, the Reading Evening Post ran a story about a small Ford motor vehicle crashing into someone’s front garden and narrowly missing the house. The headline? “Ka-tastrophe.” See what they did there?
Personally, I can’t help thinking that the nature of the story makes it a less-than-obvious candidate for pun treatment.
http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/7/7755/katastrophe
I suggest you find The Sun from when Arnold Schwarzenegger won the Calafornian elections. The headline was ‘I’ve been backed’ or something. Corny but I found it rather clever.
Julio Babtista leaving Arsenal because of the cold climate over here
‘Weather forces Baps out’….Genius!
you should totally pich this website cuz it helps with good ideas and hard english prodjects!
Flicking through a British tabloid many years ago I saw the unforgettable headline “ARMY LLAMA DING DONG”
I have no idea what the story was but the headline writer must have been waiting for it for years.
When Eric Cantona attacked a supporter:
“THE S**T HITS THE FAN”
Tara Palmer-Tompkinson goes skinny-dipping:
“TARA RAW BUM DISPLAY”
At the end of a protracted prison roof-top protest by inmates: SCUM ON DOWN. The Sun, of course. I despise the paper, but i have to admit they have the best headlines. Thanks for this article, it’s really made me laugh on a day I needed cheering up.
My all-time favourite was The Sun’s headline on a story about a woman who bit off a man’s testicle during a fight:
“I’m having a ball!”
On the passing of Ike Turner: ‘Ike Beats tina to death’
Don’t know if it was the same rooftop protest, but The Sun carried a small pic of prisoners reading, well, The Sun, on page 1 with the headline: “Even Scum Read The Sun!”
As for classics: The New York Post’s “Headless Body In Topless Bar” is one of the most famous. http://willdo.philadelphiaweekly.com/archives/120806headless.png
And it is probably apocryphal, but suppoosedly during WWII, after a US assault cut off the enemy, a newspaper ran the delightful double entendre: “Eighth Army Push Bottles Up Germans” — read it whichever way you want!
All from The Sun
After Jeremy Beadle passed away:
“Beadle’s Not About”
After Elton John’s civil partnership:
“Elton takes David up the aisle”
About a Chinese snooker player:
“Pot Noodle”
From The Sun (09 Feb 2009), accompanying a picture of a Kestrel and a Barn Owl spotted fighting over food:
“Hawk Kestrel maneuvres in the park”
Classic
@John – that is an absolute classic. It’s made my day!
I found this while looking for a headline which I am pretty sure came from The Sun “Singing Nun In Drug Suicide Pact” – anyone else remember it? I’m trying to get a copy of the page but I think that’s a big ask.
Cheers.
I am @parkylondon on twitter
best i’ve seen.
liam mellor (who?) played briefly for liverpool.
scores a cracker of a volley from nowhere one saturday.
headline reads: “Mellie the elegant”
priceless
When John Prescott punched the farmer in the face while electioneering in 2001.
The Sun lead with ‘TWO JABS’,
The Mirror went with ‘MANIFISTO!’
oh, and when Gianni Versace was gunned down in 1997, the Sport tactfully chose…
‘Shoot you Sir’.
‘One’s Humble And Eighty’… Aul Liz’s landmark birthday a few years back…
A couple of years ago, Gabriel Heinze of Man Utd was supposedly in a deal to swap him with Leighton Baines of Everton. Headline was simply ‘Heinze means Baines’ Brilliant!
One from my local paper, The Herald. Bit of background on the story – a group of yobs stole the Mayor of Torpoint’s car and drove it into the River Tamar and the heading:
Citroen On The Dock Of A Bay
1997 Argentine Grand Prix, Pedro Diniz’s car catches fire. The Sun’s headline: “Diniz in the Oven”
funny ha.Whant to here one of mine,wroonaldo,get it.
Not a headline but still my favourite painted signage. From a now demolished building in Camden Town London, circa 1975… “Naramor and Tozer — Manufacturers of Screwed Products.
These are all funny lol